Crises and unwanted changes are part of life. The first important step on the path from victim to creator is acceptance. How does that work? In this article you will find answers to the following questions:
- What does acceptance mean as a pillar of resilience?
- What specific techniques can I use to promote acceptance?
- How can I better accept sudden changes?
- How can I overcome crises with an accepting attitude?
- What strategies for acceptance have proven successful in real crises?
The moment the crisis strikes is usually like a lightning strike. Suddenly torn out of your comfort zone and into a situation that you certainly didn't want. It is absolutely natural that this initially triggers a shock. It was the same with my abduction. Nothing is as it was. What happened? That can't happen! Where does that lead?
The important thing now is not to fall into a state of shock, but to realize as quickly as possible that changes, however unpleasant they may seem at times, are part of life. Trying to undo the events is wrong. Acceptance is therefore the first right step.
You have to accept the new situation. I don't mean that you should accept the situation. Quite the opposite. See what has happened as a challenge. Not as a stroke of fate. I am often asked in my resilience seminars how this is supposed to be so easy. I know that it's not easy at all. It is probably the most difficult step when it comes to becoming strong through a crisis. But it doesn't help. Question every thought you have and where it leads you. Ruminating leads to nothing or keeps you trapped in the state you want to get out of for an unnecessarily long time.
Pick yourself up. Take a close look at the new situation. Look to the future. Stay curious about life!
Here is an excerpt from my book “Strong through crises“:
How acceptance helped me survive my abduction
It was a moment of complete relaxation and the culmination of a dream vacation. With an ice-cold cocktail in my hand, I looked out over the sea from my sun lounger and listened to the lapping of the waves. A light breeze of salty sea air cooled me down. Next to me, my parents relaxed, put their feet up and smiled happily. We reviewed the afternoon's experiences and toasted to a perfect Easter Sunday.
If my parents had had their way, we would have been ten meters further ahead in the water and ready for the night dive on the house reef. But that would have been the fourth dive of the day and almost turned into stress for me. That's why I had asked my parents in the afternoon to let Easter Sunday come to a relaxed end on land. So, for my sake, they decided not to do the night dive.
We looked up at the sky and called it »watching TV«. One minute the horizon was blood red, the next the stars were shining so brightly that you felt like you were being drawn into space. A typical tropical spectacle. In front of us in the water, the night divers let the air out of their jackets and sank down into the other world. We watched as the cones of light from their lamps were lost in the deep darkness of the water.
It was wonderfully quiet. My father acknowledged this moment with the words: »Isn't it a gift to be able to enjoy such a peaceful Easter Sunday!«
Suddenly, panicked screams rang out behind us and the idyll collapsed. Then everything happened very quickly.
When I turned around, I saw a crowd of heavily armed men storming into the restaurant. One of them was even carrying a rocket launcher on his shoulder, and a moment later he was standing behind me with his legs apart. I looked down the barrel of his bazooka and tried to understand.
Time suddenly seemed to have stopped. My heart was pounding with fear. Slender and emaciated men, some of them masked, held semi-automatic weapons at the ready. They shouted: »Police! Police!«, but they didn't give the impression of professional friends and helpers. They looked more like fishermen and farmers from a zone on the edge of the civilized world.
We were shooed up and driven towards the resort's bungalows. »Faster! Faster!« Their nervousness was clearly noticeable. They didn't seem sure of themselves. But that only made them more dangerous. Armed weakness is more dangerous than armed strength.
Together with other divers and some hotel employees, the men drove us past the bungalows to the beach. I still thought they were going to rob us and plunder the bungalows.
In the faint moonlight, I recognized two narrow wooden fishing boats. I felt the barrel of a gun in my back. My mother and I were pushed into one boat. My father was pushed onto the other boat.
An American woman refused to get in. As a non-swimmer, her fear of the water was greater than her fear of these men. She plopped herself into the knee-deep water and clung tightly to her husband. Three guys couldn't manage to pull her into the boat. The situation threatened to escalate. The kidnappers waved their weapons wildly. Their body language showed a readiness to kill. An execution in front of us suddenly seemed possible. But then the men broke away from the resisters, maneuvered their boats into deeper water and started the outboard motors. The condition of the boats led us to expect a short trip. But that would also turn out to be a mistake.
We were sitting close together. Forty people were spread over two boats, about the same number of victims as perpetrators. The combination of fear and confinement choked my throat. In one moment I imagined what might happen next, that they would throw us overboard on the open sea, maybe even shoot at us.
Regret rose up in me: If only we had gone on the night dive!
I jolted myself between two fated companions in an effort to find a bearable sitting position. My mother crouched down a meter away from me, her back pressed against the edge of the boat. With a choked voice and tears in her eyes, she whispered to me: »I'm so sorry that you're here because of me. If only I hadn't talked you into this vacation ...«
I thought about guilt and fate. Shouldn't I have let myself be persuaded to go on this vacation? What if we were already on another island today, as my father had originally planned? Suddenly, a completely different thought flashed through my mind: was this perhaps the hint of fate that I had asked for? Then I had been granted a wish!
This thought sent a euphoric tingle through my body. Or maybe I was just still woozy from the cocktails. But suddenly I thought it was possible that I was on a journey to myself. That I was supposed to learn something here that would give me direction in life.
The fear remained, but now my curiosity was also aroused. Wide awake, I decided to memorize the experiences and see a deeper meaning in them. Little by little, I stopped struggling with my fate.
Instead, I concentrated on dealing with the situation in the best possible way.
Accepting life's changes and using them as an opportunity
It is good to accept change as part of life and see it as an opportunity to mature. Life is full of transitions from one stage of development to the next. Admittedly, not all of life's trials reveal their deeper meaning as obviously as our natural developmental thresholds, such as puberty.
Events such as serious illnesses or sudden layoffs are painful and we would prefer to keep them out of our lives. But such experiences are also part of life. They often lead us to change our lives for the better out of adversity.
So we can't keep external pressures out of our lives completely. But we can decide how we deal with them. And above all, we can learn to deal better with negative events.
With this in mind, I would like to give you specific suggestions on how you can specifically promote your inner strength. The following six protective factors of resilience also helped me to get through the crisis of my abduction: Acceptance, optimism, stress competence, self-efficacy, social support and, last but not least, fitness.
With specific questions and suggestions, I would like to invite you to transfer and strengthen these protective factors to your everyday life. Just see which inspirations are particularly useful and practicable for you:
Acceptance: How to accept challenges instead of arguing with yourself
As long as we are struggling with our fate, our energy flows into the past and we are unable to cope with the challenges ahead. It is therefore important to accept the changed situation as quickly as possible after a negative event and make the best of it. The following points can help you do this:
- Ask yourself: Is there an event in your life that you are struggling with? Do your thoughts revolve around phrases such as »Why me?«, »If only I had ...« or »If only that hadn't happened«?
- Write down your thoughts, for example in a diary. This alone can have a liberating effect, as you move from brooding to action. You can also grasp your thoughts better this way and look at them from a distance.
- Ask yourself whether things could have been worse. This may make it easier for you to accept your situation.
- Grief work: Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. Professional help can support the process of coping with grief, especially when losing a loved one.
- With many drastic experiences, it helps to realize: What has happened has happened. Time cannot be turned back.
- To accept a negative experience, the attitude »Who knows what it's good for« is helpful. Can you make sense of what has happened? Is there a positive aspect that you can take away from your new situation?
- If you can't accept your situation at all, don't beat yourself up. Accept that you cannot accept your situation and at least make peace with yourself.